Author Archives: Christianmama

Running

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There was a time in my life, like everyone else, that I was running from God. I had just graduated from high school and was on my own for the first time in my life. I was trying to fit into a new school and a new town. I chose to walk away from God so that I could adjust but what I didn’t know was that I needed him most at that time.

I made friends easily and quickly got into a routine. I missed my parents every day but it seemed to fade the longer that I was away. I struggled with wanting to be liked so I started to do things and act in a way that wasn’t who I was. I pretended to be someone that I wasn’t. I was very good a putting off my school work so that I could hang out with friends and then struggling to get my work done on time. I had the mentality that my friends were more important than anything that I had in my life. It wasn’t unitl I decided to transfer back home after my freshman year of college that I really understood who my friends really were.

During the summer I stayed with my parents and continued to run from God. I realized that I didn’t really need him to live my life. But I struggled daily with my decision to move home so I ended up back at my original school.

As I ran, I could constantly feel a little pull on my back that I ignored on a daily basis because I didn’t want to acknowledge it. I spent time pretending again that I couldn’t feel it or that I was needed for something else. Most of my life I have felt like this. I’ve felt like I was pretending to be someone that I’m not just to fit in. It was always my need to be liked and accepted that drove me to my way of life. And let’s be honest, being a Christian and loving God is not the way to be accepted in society today.

I spent the first five years of my life on my own running and I was finally fed up with trying to out run God. Let’s face it…He was never going to let me get away. I would go to church very sporatically but I never felt like I was at home in the church like I was back home. I always felt out of place and that I didn’t belong. It wasn’t until I walked into my current church that I felt that pull again. I had decided to randomly pick a church and go for a service. It felt strange but in a good way. When I left I wasn’t even sure if I was going to return. But tragedy struck and I lost a family member close to me. On my way home from the funeral, the pastor of this church messaged me on Facebook and I couldn’t contain my emotions. I had never felt like I belonged until then. I literally had gone to his church for one service and he cared enough to reach out when something bad happened.

I quickly fell back into my mold of going to church. Ever since that fately February day in 2016, I have gone to every church service and bible study group that we have just to continue to grow in my faith. That’s the funny thing….even though I was running from God, I still had my faith that He would be there when I needed him most. I believe that He chose that moment to bring me back to Him. I don’t know if I would have found my way back on my own but thankfully He was always there with me to bring me back when I was ready.

Best Day of Your Life

The happiest day of your life. When you think about it many people think about certain days…a graduation, a wedding, a child being born, etc to name a few common ones. But what happens when something goes not quite as planned on that day. That’s everyone’s worst fear. That they can’t control every little detail of that “special day”. That’s the hardest time to look to God and ask for help. God has a plan for everyone and everything. We need to look to God when we least want to because he already has everything figured out. We just have to learn His plan.

My husband and I recently went through an event like this. 735 days…24 negative tests…countless ups and downs….1 perfect baby. It took us over 2 years of trying to get pregnant to have our child. I spent many days and nights praying and crying over a child that i so desperately wanted but was never given. I was doubting the love that God had for me because He wasn’t giving me something that I wanted. Then I would doubt my abilities because maybe God wasn’t giving me a child because I couldn’t handle it. I was starting to “go through the motions” in my everyday life because I doubted myself and God. Once I started looking back to God is when I really gave myself back to Him. I was standing in my sister’s church in a different town away from my “normal”. It was during a time of worship. They were playing the song “Waymaker”, and I just remember completely breaking down. I was literally crying in a random church and if anyone knows me, they know that I am highly introverted and very self-conscious. I couldn’t believe it. I was letting myself go so that He could do a work in me. Little did I know, one month later I would get a positive pregnancy test.

That day was one of the greatest days for me. I was so anxious that it might be a false positive that I went to an urgent care to get a confirmation. I showed my husband the test and we were both so ecstatic that we told our families right away. Now what most people are going to think at this point of reading is that somehow, we lost the baby…but that is not the case. I will assure you that we have a happy and healthy boy. My pregnancy itself wasn’t very eventful for me. I was rarely sick (thank God) and I was still able to do everything that I love to do. I did end up having high blood pressure which is common. Because of this I skipped doing biweekly appointments and went straight to weekly appointments. Every week I had to get an ultrasound done to check on my baby. Everything looked good every week and there were no concerns pointed out.

Fast forward to my final appointment and my doctor told me that I was going to be induced the following day due to my blood pressure. So, I tell my husband and the following day we are off to the hospital to have a baby. Everything was going as I had planned. I was doing labor without medications, and we were going to have a happy, healthy baby and everything was going to be great. It was almost like rainbows and unicorns in my head. It was supposed to be perfect. What I didn’t plan for was God’s plan. He had something else in mind that was not according to my plan. After 11 hours in labor, I finally got the epidural to help with my anxiety. After six more hours, I was fed up and we decided to consider having a cesarean section and after another hour of contemplating I finally gave in and decided I just wanted to be done. It was about an hour after the decision was made that we finally could say that we had a happy, healthy baby boy (up until this point we hadn’t know the sex of the baby). We thought everything was great and our lives had changed for the better.

What we didn’t count on was another curve ball. The doctor holds up our baby for us to see and our poor child only has one ear. I immediately start to panic about what I did wrong. Did I eat something I shouldn’t have? Did I do something I shouldn’t have? What medications was I taking that could have caused this? How am I supposed to raise a child with one ear? While all these questions were legitimate concerns, they were not the first questions I should have been asking. I should have turned to God in this time and asked what he has in store for me. I should have started thinking about things that I need to do to best accommodate my son and what I can do to make his life easier. My focus should have been on my newborn child and God.

After many tests and doctors, we found out that he essentially can’t hear out of that side of his head, so he is considered “hearing impaired”. This was a hard adjustment at first, but we are slowly getting the hang of it. Unfortunately, he has figured things out so he can easily ignore us when we are talking to him or when he is in trouble. We have a very active child who is not letting anything get in his way. I want to say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with my child. He is exactly the way that God planned for him to be. God put this challenge in my life to remind me that He is relaly in charge of my life and I won’t be steered wrong as long as I look to Him to lead me and my family.